Enough

Yifan Yang, 2T1 PB

During quarantine, I’ve been thinking a lot about the notions of productivity and what that can mean for my internal script on self-worth. Interestingly, themes like doing enough and being enough, still prevail, perhaps even more so, even while away from clinical evaluations and peers, even during a global pandemic. These are some of my reflections but also some of my hopes that these growing pains will have taught me something, even after this is all over.

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The before
On the wards: I am focused on
each second of silence following a question I do not know the answer to
It’s deafening.
It’s proof that I am undeserving to be here.
Not enough knowledge, praise, productivity.

I am so tired.

The during
In the same 500 sq ft for the 19 th day in row: I am focused on
the Before fading away—into isolation—into me with my thoughts and no one else
Mostly wandering, ruminating on the opportunity cost of every minute wasted
“Wasted” on feeding my soul. “Wasted” on the pure joy of learning.

Sometimes, there is a voice that is kind.
“You are doing enough. You are enough.”
It reminds me to let myself—my mind—rest.
And that the discomfort in just being
without notions of “productivity” is growth.

Nurturing the kinder, gentler voice
is not always easy. Most of the time, fear and inadequacy still win.

I am trying, and
I am still so tired.

The after
On the wards, once again. And beyond: may I focus on

Enough rest for my tired heart, eyes and
enough calm for my racing mind.

Enough courage to quiet the thoughts
that do not serve me.

Enough knowledge of my limitations,
of what grounds me,
of my identity as both inside medicine, and a civilian of the world.

Enough gratitude for all
that I have, all that I am.

Enough kindness and understanding for all people, including and
especially myself.